May 10, 2011
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Advice Needed
Parenting is a full time job. Since kids is my job I write a lot of advice for parents. My focus the last few weeks has been on toddlers and anger. I would love to hear some of your thoughts on that subject.
Why do toddlers get angry?
What can you do with an angry toddler?Here is my Parenting Blog
Comments (33)
My daughter doesn’t seem to get angry. She has hissy fits, don’t get me wrong, but her’s is more like whining rather than screaming in anger.
Very good question. I use brief time outs for my daughter (20mo) when she starts throwing a fit. Now, sometimes she will even go close herself in her room when she wants to throw a fit; it is quite cute. The good thing is that usually she comes out ready to behave a little better.
I think toddlers get angry/upset when they’re ignored, they don’t get their way (!), hurting-not feeling good, tired or hungry. As an adult, I can get upset for the exact same reasons.
I use different techniques depending upon the situation and the child. When I was a nanny, one of the 3-year-olds sometimes got violently angry. Timeouts didn’t really work, so I would sit down with her on my lap and my arms around her. I gave her significant space between her body and my arms, but kept my arms firmly in place so she could not get up. Then I would talk to her quietly about what had made her angry, why beating up on her siblings wasn’t going to help, and what would be a better solution. She usually hit me for awhile (which I ignored to talk exclusively about the original issue) but would eventually calm down and listen. There was only one time it didn’t work for her and that was because of parental interference.
I was auntie to a tot who threw a temper tantrum every time she didn’t get her way. Poor little thing!
One day I took her to school to visit her older sister. Somehow she got the idea that she was going to get a lollipop. Afterwards when we got to the car and she realized there was no lollipop she began to get agitated. I told her that we would go to Ralph’s Supermarket and get her something yummy.
Still fixated on the object of her desire, the lollipop, she began to scream at the top of her lungs. I mean that little grrrlll could scream and we were in the front seats of a Toyota Corolla.
I ducked my head, closed my eyes, put my fingers in my ears and just let the little brat wail away until she wore herself out.
After she was done, I said, “Can we go to Ralph’s now?”
We went to Ralph’s, had a grand old time. And she never threw another tantrum – in front of me anyway.
I think they get angry because they don’t get their way. Obviously, everyone wants to get their way, and since they’re young and don’t understand how things don’t always go our way, they react by getting upset and losing their temper, so to speak.
I have no idea how to be a father. I’ve never read any literature or anything on the subject, because I’ve always known that I didn’t want to have any children. And I don’t.
@LoBornlytesThoughtPalace -
Charlie, yours is a PERFECT example of controlled ignoring, which not only works quickly but also may set the stage for the future.
@lanney -
This is a great example of satisfying a child’s demand for attention while at-the-same-time creating a teachable moment. The gentle but absolute restraint puts the adult in control, eventually, if the adult is patient and perseveres the struggle.
@ArmyWife4Life2007 -
This child will continue to whine so long as it gets her what she wants. Consider offering her better tools for her toolbox. If she asks for something in a more appropriate manner; be sure to notice and reward it.
@JerusalemHill@revelife - I try to ignore her, in order to make her stop. Then she’s corrected and told how to ask for something (her speech isn’t the greatest just yet), once she’s nice about it, without whining she receives whatever it is she wanted, which is usually juice, LOL.
I think Toddlers get angry, because that is age when they are able to do a lot of things but is not allowed, which leads to anger. It is a natural path that each child would go through. What to do, is just ignore and also listen to what they saying. They need a lot of empathy.
Angry toddles are venting their frustration over something. My usual way of dealing this when my daughter was young was distraction. Taking their mind off their tantrum and out of that situation. Worked for me.
My daughter and my two sons absolutely get angry, and what is important to realize is that their anger is stemed from the same things yours is. Children act out when they feel wronged, whether the crime is valid or not to us, may be irrelevant to the way that they feel. Anger is natural, but it is also learned. If someone cuts you off on the highway or cuts you in line at the RMV, you are likely to get angry. They see that, even if it is minimal, and they replicate that in the same situation. The best thing that I do is distract them from what they want so long as they are not being really bad and need discipline. If you catch them off guard, they are likely to forget why they are angry in the first place. I use the monkey method, when they first start to get angry I point at an imaginary “monkey” that the just narrowly missed. Works for the younger two, the other takes a little more convincing and a better distraction. Good luck.
Alot of times the toddler feeds of of the environment he/she is in. If its full of negative vibes, you can bet the kid will be pretty upset. So, its good to always surround as child in a peaceful environment.
Easier said than don.
My late sister (a very wise woman & a Pre-K teacher) once told me that toddlers get angry because they are frustrated. She said they are “too big to be little (infant) and too little to be big”. She said they want to do things that are beyond their capabilities and frustration sets in. When I was raising my children, I thought of that a lot and found it to be true for the most part. There will be the occasional time when their schedules are upset, they need sleep or are hungry, but if you think about it, children are pure and they simply react the only way they can. You can usually take your cue on how to react depending upon the situation. Redirect them to something that might be more within their abilities. Give them little jobs to do and help them feel useful. And for goodness sakes, if they are tired, hungry, or don’t feel well, don’t take them shopping!
Communication gap?
Everyone gets angry for numerous reasons.
@ArmyWife4Life2007 - Right on! I’m sorry if you felt my comment as a criticism; wasn’t meant that way at all, but in rereading it that’s what I felt. Thank you and your husband for your service to our country.
@JerusalemHill@revelife - No, I didn’t take it that way
Thanks!
@WondersCafe - So True
@ArmyWife4Life2007 - My grandson is a whiner, crier, screamer -lol
@The_ATM - That’s funny – a child that puts themselves in time out.-lol
@armnatmom - Good point
@lanney - We couldn’t use time outs for some of our adopted kids. We had them hold books. It was effective.
@LoBornlytesThoughtPalace - Impossible to console a toddler -lol
@mypandabear - They want independence and want it now -
@colinhindle - Thanks
@Margo73 - Sometimes that worked with my kids – but with my grandson – nothing can distract him from his one tract mind -lol
@The_Eyes_Of_A_Painter - So true – enviremoment solves many problems
Word
@ctaretz - So True
@Randy7777 - I think the trick is to find out what their little game is and to be sure not to play it.